Sunday, July 22, 2012

From The Inside Out

Sometimes, someone can tell you something a million times and although you agree, you don't fully get it until you realize you never fully got it. 
Got it?
That was probably very confusing, I know. I have been saying for years now, Dystonia does not define who I am. And I am slowly starting to see what that REALLY means. 
It means that God has plans for me, good plans, and wants only my love and devotion to him.
The things He gives to me are things I do not deserve but are beyond my wildest dreams. I am incredibly blessed to love a God that loves me first, despite my shortcomings.
It means that I can meet someone and somehow, through the grace of God, they can see my heart, not the things that complicate my life. Just me. And what I am about. And I suddenly don't feel the need to talk about my Dystonia, there is just an unspoken peace that truly, it's okay. And it's going to be okay. And I'm so glad I did not give up.

I have never directly addressed my faith in this blog, mainly because I understand that everyone has different beliefs, and I want this to be a safe place for Dystonia sufferers' to come and be reassured, you are not alone in your pain. But God is my safe place. People often comment that I have handled this reality very well, and I can honestly say it's the peace I get from knowing that God has my life and loves me, He will not let me fall without helping me back up. 
So when I say Dystonia does not define my life, I finally understand that God does. All it takes is letting go of the fear and the selfishness and the anxieties that this disease causes-will I be crippled? Will I get better? Will I get worse? Will a man ever love me beyond the complications of this disorder? 
No matter what the answers to any of these questions are, the minute I let go and stop all this needless WORRYING, I suddenly realize that I have no control over these things, and that is okay with me! My body will surely fail, just as everyone else's eventually does. But to walk through my life, in this body, with grace and a peace about it all is something I encourage not just Dystonia sufferers' to do, but everyone. I hope I do not offend anybody out there, I respect that we all have different beliefs, this just happens to be mine.
This is where I get the strength to keep going, to keep living my life with the child-like hope that God has some amazing plans in store for me. They are unfolding in a way that I can hardly fathom-and suddenly I realize how much God loves me. He WANTS me to have all the things my heart desires-to be a wife, a mom, have a family, help people, write with an unfailing passion, and most important, live my life through Him. Be an example to people out there who are lost. I've been in some dark places in my life, especially with this disorder. But guess what-there is always a light at the end of every dark place, if only you allow your heart and mind to go to that light-turn away from your worries and your feelings of despair. Find a purpose to the pain. Find that purpose and turn it into something wonderful.

I know us Dystonia-sufferers' out there have good and bad days-some REALLY bad. Like curl up in a ball and cry bad. I know there are people with physical and mental symptoms that have no cure. 
Don't be mistaken-I don't have it all figured out, but I do know this-God is looking out for every single person out there suffering, He loves you and He will always love you. Suffering or no suffering, find a reason to go on and not let this break your spirit. I know it can. But don't believe the lies. You are good enough, you are beautiful, find that beauty in the parts of you that feel broken.
This is my advice, this is the foundation of my life and I am so inspired by some of the things I have felt and experienced this past week. I finally understand-everybody is God's somebody, including me. I am undeserving and I make mistakes but God loves me enough to help me find a purpose to this pain I live with and then bless me with more than I ever prayed for. God is just THAT good. 

For the 20/30 Dystonia Facebook Group members-I read every single person's post and I can almost hear the desperation and pain through the words. I understand all of it. So I encourage all of you to not be discouraged! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have something so beautiful looking out for your life, broken or not broken, Dystonia or no Dystonia. You all are so wonderful, you all inspire me to keep writing, to keep being an outlet to this community of wonderful people who just happen to suffer from this strange disorder. 
But I promise you-you are more than the pain. It's the heart that matters. 

As always, if anyone out there needs a friend to talk you, especially my Dystonia friends, I am here! I'll be here; I'm not going anywhere.

"Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That is, after all, the case." -Annie Dillard

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
Pablo Neruda


  1. Aw Nicole,Thank you for sharing! I had tears in my eyes reading this.Your so right, God sees the big picture...We only see the small picture. God is much bigger then the storms we face! When Dystonia gets me down, I have to remind myself that one day I will be perfect. I find comfort in knowing Jesus loves me just as I am. The love he has for us is more then we can even image<3 Isaiah 40:31

    I'm so blessed to have you as my friend! I'm so glad you shared this. It's awesome:)

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