Thursday, July 12, 2012

Sticks and Stones

Another horror dating story and a complete lack of respect for what I go through.
A guy I had been sort of seeing has accused me of "using my Dystonia to get attention" and he also said that he "sees what type of person I am now" and that the pills I have to take for this disorder have "permanently affected my brain so I am now unable to comprehend things."
I talk about Dystonia because first of all, I'm advocating for it. OF COURSE I'M GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT. Second of all, if I'm seeing someone, it's going to come up every once in a while. You know? Like hey, I just got Botox a week ago and can't hold my head up, can you please lift the ice cooler for me, honey?
I talk about Dystonia because I am trying to reach out to those who need to know they are not alone.
I go through what I go through because God decided I was strong enough to do this. To live with this. To suffer every day with this. And I feel like I've been doing an OK job so far at wrapping my head around this reality and living as normal a life as possible.

You know when you're kid and you're programmed to say 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?' 
How wrong those words are.
It's amazing how significant one insult, one accusation, one ignorant comment, can leave such a scar on the heart. 
Why would I ever use something that tortures me for attention? When people ask about my Dystonia and I tell them, whenever people reply with puppy dog eyes and a "Oh gosh I'm sooo sorry," the first thing I say is PLEASE DON'T BE.

I don't want anyone EVER to feel bad for me. Or to pity me. There is a difference between having compassion and respect for someone else's pain and pitying someone, and I never want anyone to feel bad for me. This has shaped my life in such a powerful way. I will repeat this until I die, God works remarkable good out of unspeakable tragedies. Honestly, I get a little freaked out thinking about who I would be or what I would be like if this hadn't happened to me. I could have turned out to be a raging alcoholic or a complete party animal who gets knocked up too young. I don't care to know that person, and I'm grateful I would never have to.
I know who I am. I know my heart. And being accused of USING this offended me SO much, my jaw dropped. My heart started racing. I yelled at someone for the first time in a while. Like, really yelled. 
I'm trying to take something bad and scary and show people that you CAN overcome your circumstances and see the good in life through the storm. I would never use this to get a leg up or to my advantage somehow. What a horrible accusation. How offensive. My response to him was..
"I wish we could switch bodies for a day and you could physically feel what I go through, and then see how you would feel if someone said they think you use your suffering for attention."
Had no effect on him whatsoever.

What is wrong with people? Our world is so fallen. Obviously, this guy is NOT my prince charming. It did make me question myself though. I really hope that I do not come across in a way that is not reflective of what is in my heart.
I'm here to reach out to people. To inspire. To let other Dystonia sufferers out there know that they are NOT alone. I'm here, I'm young, I'm motivated, and I am not going ANYWHERE anytime soon. As long as I'm breathing I will be fighting against letting this ruin my spirit and my heart. God never gives you more than you can handle. I have been so discouraged lately, I won't lie. But ironically, this guys ignorant and inaccurate perception of me snapped me out of the funk and the writer's block and just affirmed who I really am. 
Come on, Nicole, you're better than that! Surely God wants more for me than that. 

What a crazy journey. When the first guy I mentioned in this blog said that if I was healthy, things would be different, it affected me so much, and I'm ashamed to say I let it. Every person, young or old, sick or healthy, rich or poor, deserves so much more than these comments. Gaining a selfish advantage by using my disorder in some way is not in my heart. It is not in any fiber of my being. I wouldn't trade anything in this world to make things different. This has made me who I am. I have not been feeling good physically lately but the fact that I am able to say I would rather suffer and know my heart than be healthy and not have a damn clue, how is that anything short of God working in me? I just want to be an outlet for people, a safe place to go to, a light in a really dark place.
I have said this in previous blogs, I am not just fighting for myself. I am fighting for thousands of people out there who are hurting. People are suffering, people are scared, people's lives and the quality of those lives are at stake! So shame on the guy that accused me of USING this to get attention. Shame on him. 

Another failed prince charming. He ended up being another frog. A frog I am grateful for though. He thought his words would affect me; sorry bro, you just strengthened my heart and the confidence I have in what I'm doing here. So thanks!

I'll know when my prince charming arrives, but I'm done searching. Dystonia does not define who I am, but it is a PART of who I am. If someone is going to love me, they have to love the Dystonia. I know I do. Otherwise, who knows? I might have married that ignorant frog if I did not have this disorder to show me who he really was. 
Dystonia: 1
Ignorant Frog: 0

You lose. I'm still here. And I'm not stopping. 

"If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it's not your train." -Unknown

1 comment:

  1. I've had generalized dystonia for 40 years, this disease has informed the sum total of my relationships with the opposite sex. I've met a ton of frogs- funny how dystonia "speed weeds" them out! Still searching for Prince Charming. There are men who will see straight through to your heart and respect you as a human being not a tragic figure. Some guys can't see past the external, that's their loss. You are a beautiful girl inside and out. What a lot of men don't realize is that the journey is ours alone, they can't take it for us. But that's what a typical "Martian" tries to do. We're just asking them for a hand to hold, a wink, a smile. I just launched my blog, Chronicles Of A Dystonia Muse at You should really follow because a lot of my posts will be directed at dating and relationships. I'm a big believer in humor.