Another annoying period of writer's block. My emotions and my body have been all over the place lately. I went in for Botox on December 20th and in an attempt to avoid as much head weakness as possible, she did not do injections in the back of my neck. She also said that if I was not doing better the next time I came in she would have to increase the amount the Botox she is using. My translation:
I'm getting worse.
My anxiety has been off the charts for these past few months. Especially with my wedding and future plans coming together so quickly, the reality of my situation has been hitting pretty hard.
Can I have babies? Where will we live? Will I ever find a high-paying job or will we have to struggle?
My mind keeps going back to what my biopsych professor said last year. We were learning about movement disorders (Dystonia was not one of them, which is actually what inspired this blog.) This professor was not aware that I suffer from a movement disorder, had he known I doubt he would have said what he said one day in class. As we are learning about these disorders, some of which were very similar in symptoms to Dystonia, he made the comment that if he suffered from a movement disorder, the last thing he would be doing with his life would be wasting it inside of a classroom.
I work 5 days a week and I do pretty well physically; working in a spa has its advantages. I am only taking one class this semester and it is already almost unbearable for me to sit there for 3 hours once a week. I don't know what is going on with my body. It feels like all the tension builds from my lower back up and explodes into my head. The pressure is UNBELIEVABLE. I am so uncomfortable I can't even focus on what I'm supposed to be learning. Not only that, but I am SURE this makes my Dystonia worse.
So what the hell am I doing?
It's so frustrating for me because I was always the girl in my family that exceeded in school. Dystonia changed all of that and I feel like all the potential I was gifted with has been robbed from me. I don't want to disappoint my family or feel bad about myself or feel like I'm giving up. But realistically, struggling and suffering my way through Lord knows how many more years of school and then not be able to do anything with that degree IS a waste. I would rather work and learn as I go. I love my job, I love the people at my job, I just want to be able to support my future hubby to be the way he supports me. I don't want to be rendered useless. I want to have a baby! My fiance is too amazing of a person to not pas on offspring into this world. We need more people like him in this world.
I have been so cranky and mean and bitchy and whiny and SO utterly exhausted and I can't even find the words or reasons to explain to him why and he STILL doesn't break. He holds true to his faith and love for me and takes it with a grain of salt.
I had the chance to sit down with his mom and she brought up my situation. Her eyes got all watery and she told me that even if I end up in a wheelchair or completely handicapped in the future, Jeremy is perfect in the sense that it won't waver him or his love for me and he will stick by me no matter what. She told me this on Christmas. I am marrying into the most AMAZING family.
Everyone with Dystonia deserves what I have been blessed with. It takes a special person to do what Jeremy does and to face what we are facing, I cannot wait to stand up there and say our vows and someday bring a child into this world. I know what I am getting myself into, getting off all treatment to carry a baby. But I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit lost. I don't know what God wants me to do next. School is just not in my heart. It's not something I would have chosen to give up but if my body is telling me it's making things worse, I can't ignore that.
What now? I do not know. I know what I have, I know what I am blessed with, I'm just scared at this point. I don't want to get worse. I have to wait until March to find out what my Nuero says. If anyone has any advice or input, I'm all years.
Oh, and Chelsi Christmas, God has created a wonderful human being in you, I love you for always being a text away from an encouraging word and a reminder that God has not forgotten me. You are pretty rad and I love you!
Until I get out of this funk, all I can do is wait for God and whatever He has planned for my life, no matter what that looks like.
ps...I'm getting married in 215 days. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!