Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Hold Nothing Back

First and foremost, I have to acknowledge how inconsistent I can be with these posts. I have been absolutely horrible at answering the numerous emails I have received and I SUCK at texting back. So to all the kind souls out there who have reached out to me and haven't heard back-I'm getting there. I have a very demanding and happy 5 month old and she has to be first, but I'm still here and I'm still all ears and eyes and a whole lotta' love...just distracted.




So it's time to get focused. First of all, here is the update on my own personal health & journey. As I said before, I went into a pregnancy-induced remission and unfortunately symptoms started up again when I was 6 weeks post-partum. I have had one round of Botox treatment since; that was in February and it was a very small amount injected. I still have good days and bad days but I am training my brain to find different ways of coping. I had an appointment for injections last week but I cancelled the appointment because I feel ok. Not perfect. But why inject myself with something if I'm not truly truly suffering? The suffering is there but I am managing. It is a day by day process for me and focusing on the here and now has worked wonders. It sounds cliche and I'm annoyed of myself for saying it but never underestimate the power of right here and right now. Right now I am in bed with my pup and I can feel the Dystonia but I'm alright. I'm breathing. I'm moving. I'm feeling. 

I have received so many emails and I'm still delighted every time it turns out to be someone from a different country, or state, or continent. I post the link to my blog on my facebook and people have found me on google and I couldn't be more grateful for how far this blog has come and how many people it has reached. 

I've noticed that unless someone or something has truly, truly, inspired me, I don't have the best advice and I think that is a part of why I don't feel inclined to answer some emails until I'm ready to answer with an open heart and with honest advice and wisdom. 

A floodgate of openness and love and hope has opened up in my life and I'm not sure where it will take me, but I am grateful regardless because I feel that burning passion and purpose and determination to make my words be heard and seen and I just want to HELP those suffering souls out there. Based off all the emails and messages I've received, there seems to be a theme and one singular question I am getting asked; 
How do you HANDLE it? How do you ACCEPT it?




Such a simple question and such a complex answer. There is no simple answer, no trick or magic cure to living a "normal life." To put it simply, I just DO. Quitting is not an option. Laying down and letting it run over me like a truck is not an option. Throwing a pity party is not an option (okay maybe the occasional pity party is necessary but DO NOT MAKE IT A HABIT.) I'm picking up on a theme...and it scares the living daylights out of me but inspires me to the core-in all the emails I receive, every single person sounds so incredibly lost. So lost. So confused. Wandering around aimlessly with no direction; just angry and confused and hurting and afraid.

The good news is this: being lost gives you room to adapt, to change, to grab hold of an opportunity and live a life no one else has lived. It gives you a chance to think differently about your life and the people in it and for me personally, appreciate those who love me and stand by me. And I think that is the point...

This blog has unintentionally become a log of my (sometimes disastrous) love life. I can't help it. I started this with the intentions of being an open book-totally candid, completely transparent, and brutally honest even if it's embarrassing or unpleasant...what is the point of speaking my truth if I'm not going to share all? That is what connects me to this community I have grown to love and know. Speaking the truth is what has kept me going and honest about my truth and my relationship with myself.
So how do I deal? How do I accept this fate?




I believe in these simple truths:

1.) Going through something like this changes you. I don't see how it can't. It can be a bad thing. But it can also be a good thing. If it makes you a better person, a more compassionate, loving, and honest individual, find a way to have a relationship with your disorder. Embrace it. Nurture it. Adapt with it. But don't let it defeat your mind. Sometimes I feel myself slipping and spiraling down the rabbit hole into a pit of despair and feelings of inadequacy...STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. There is absolutely NO point and it will stop your life right where you're standing. Keep moving. And if you can't move physically because of your disorder, never forget that you still have your mind. You can still be you and speak your mind and have opinions about things and desire things and you absolutely 100% deserve nothing but love and acceptance. Which leads me to truth #2...

It is no secret that I have a very deep and personal relationship with God. I have pushed and resisted that relationship this past year through all the bullshit I have had to go through but once again, God is bigger than my stubbornness and broke through that icy cold bitch wall I had built around my heart. For me personally, hearing over and over how I am not good enough has really invaded my mind in the worst way possible. I completely shut down and I am just now waking up from this temporary tantrum of "fuck everybody" but let's be honest here...
It is a cowardly way to live. It is fear based. And it is dishonest to what my heart wants. Don't build a wall around yourself because you are afraid of rejection and getting hurt. So many young women tell me over and over that they feel like no one will ever love them and accept them. My advice to them is simple...Always be an open book. Be gut wrenchingly honest about yourself, your situation, and what you are all about. Don't hold anything back. Holding back will get you nowhere...maybe a one way ticket to lonelyville and that is NOT somewhere you want to be. So my final truth...and I'm just starting to grasp this one...

Love doesn't discriminate. What is meant for you will find you and love you and pursue you and not let you get away. I think it really is THAT simple. Or at least it should be. 
I hope we all find someone who sees our scars and wounds and imperfections and disabilities and embraces them. This life is short and crazy and messy and scary but damn, there is so much to be grateful for. So much to look forward to. So much love to be had.

SO...this is how I cope. With pure and childish hope and by moving forward with the belief that everything will into place like a puzzle and someone will find me and see me and love the imperfections and never let me go. I am an incurable optimist.  This is SO much bigger than me and I know it gets easy to focus on how awful things are now...how lonely you are now...how bad things are now...but that's just now.

Please, friends, keep your heart open. I know so many of your are suffering but don't let it destroy your kindness. Don't let it close you off to love. Don't let it destroy YOU. 

So there it is. I have no medical secrets, no magic pill or tricks that enable me to cope. I cope by loving. And by hoping. I know things don't always work out the way we hope but my God, what if it does? If something as devastating as Dystonia can touch my life then why can't something absolutely amazing and unexpected touch it as well? That's all for now.

As always, I'm here. Please don't be shy or afraid to reach out. 







11 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your tips for the removal Acne Scar Treatment Delhi
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    ReplyDelete
  2. With your very energetic little one and ongoing condition, it’s understandable why you can’t keep your blog updated. But it’s good to know that despite the bad days, you’re still fine and happy. It's a good thing that Botox helps ease the pain somewhat. Also, with your little one’s cuteness, it’s not really difficult to be happy. Stay strong!

    Vivian Jefferson @ Laser Skin Beautiful

    ReplyDelete
  3. Can you tell me more on how this all started and had it effected you feet . Has the doc ever asked you to try pretizone.

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  4. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERB MY WIFE WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM DYSTONIA.
    Is my pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far.one of the happiest moment in my life was when the doctor confirm that my wife is been free from this illness. this awesome moments makes me the happiest man on earth, I really don't know how to thank DR WILLIAMS for helping my wife get cured for over how many year of suffering from dystonia. i came across DR Williams contact through a headline news on internet about how DR Williams help a woman to get cured of her dystonia and so many other with similar body problem ,i contacted him and he told me how to get his herb,few day later he sent me the herbal portion which my wife take every morning for 28 days, and his medicine was able to cure her completely from dystonia. and now she very mush okay without any side effects whatsoever, If you have dystonia, you can contact him on his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  5. As a sign of gratitude for how my son was saved from dystonia , i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My son suffered dystonia and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony of so many people who was cured from dystonia and so many other with similar body problem, and they left the contact of the doctor who had the herbal cure to dystonia . I never imagined dystonia has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my son will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my son used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. dystonia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony .

    ReplyDelete
  6. It was during my research on HIV/Herpes that I stumbled upon the Hiv/Herpes information; information which is quite easy to find when doing a search for STD on google. I was into conspiracy at the time thought of HIV/Herpes Cured' being a conspiracy was something Ignorance though,I found pretty interesting about herbal medicine. I asked questions about the Herbal cure's on official HIV/Herpes websites and I was banned for doing so by moderators who told me that I was parroting Hiv/Herpes propaganda. This reinforced my belief that there is a cure for Hiv/Herpes Then i found a lady from germany name Achima Abelard Dr Itua Cure her Hiv so I send him a mail about my situation then talk more about it and send me his herbal medicine I drank for two weeks.And today I'm Cured no Hiv/Herpes in my life,I searched for Hiv/Herpes groups to attempt to make contact with people in order to learn more about Hiv/Herpes Herbal Cure's I believed at this time that you with the same disease this information is helpful to you and I wanted to do the best I could to spread this information in the hopes of helping other people.That Dr Itua Herbal Medicine makes me believes there is a hope for people suffering from,Parkinson's disease,Schizophrenia,Cancer,Scoliosis,Fibromyalgia,Fluoroquinolone Toxicity Syndrome Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva.Infertility, ,Epilepsy ,Diabetes ,Coeliac disease,,Arthritis,Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis,Alzheimer's disease,Adrenocortical carcinoma.Asthma,Allergic diseases.Hiv_ Aids,Herpes,Inflammatory bowel disease ,Copd,Diabetes,Hepatitis,I read about him online how he cure Tasha and Tara,Conley,Mckinney and many more suffrin from all kind of disease so i contacted him . He's a herbal doctor with a unique heart of God, Contact Emal..drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com Phone or whatsapp..+2348149277967.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am Karen from Canada, I once suffered from cervical dystonia,for more than 30 years , the doctor told me there was no permanent cure i was given medications to slow down its progress, i constantly felt my health was deteriorating as i constantly had jerky head movements and muscles contract ,this ailment was really terrible especially when am going out with my friends, i have this constant disorder for about 30 years, this was really a terrible ailment ,on thin one day that i was going through the internet,and i came across a post of Mrs Jessica on how her daughter was been cured from cervical dystonia through the help of Dr Williams herbal product, I contacted this herbal doctor via his email and explain everything to him and make purchase of his product,few days later he sent me the herbal medicine through courier service, when i received the herbal medicine, i used it for 1 months as prescribed by Dr Williams and i was totally cured within those week of usage,on thin now i have not experience any sign or characteristics again for more information you can email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for help .

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  8. Thanks to Dr Williams I am so mush happy today, I have been suffering from cervical dystonia for the past 8 years now, and i have spent a lot on western drugs which has all proved abortive, i have tried all means in life to become dystonia free , but there was no answer until i decided to try herbal solution and i found Dr Williams online and i contacted him and after I took his medication as instructed, i am now completely free from dystonia within one month of usage, i am so much happy, thanks to Dr Williams for helping me get my life back again without any form of crisis, i promise to tell your name and good deeds to the whole world,if you have dystonia you can always go through his website on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for more information ..

    ReplyDelete
  9. As a sign of gratitude for how my son was saved from dystonia , i decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My son suffered dystonia and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, we tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and i saw a testimony of so many people who was cured from dystonia and so many other with similar body problem, and they left the contact of the doctor who had the herbal cure to dystonia . I never imagined dystonia has a cure not until i contacted him and he assured me my son will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my son used it and in one months he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life. dystonia has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on drwilliams098675@gmail.com on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my testimony .

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear FRIENDS,
    now i have a beautiful smiling face and so are which you all, after reading my testimony. My name is kate, I am 31 years old,
    And i live with my husband in Belgium, but I am from UK. I was diagnosed in 2012 with cervical dystonia. Doctors told me this condition was forever. I know how you feel and what you are going through, I just want to tell you that I am cured now,with the help of doctor williams herbal medication, the last time I can remember having cervical dystonia was in the summer of 2016. It was a long and difficult process but I am so thankful to dr williams I don't have it anymore. Please know you can be cured too. Accept what happened and is happening to you, forgive, let the past go, love yourself and others unconditionally and be thankful. Everything happens for a reason. If you want to get in contact with dr williams and share your own testimony and thoughts feel free to e-mail him on; drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS WITH HIS HERB MY WIFE WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM DYSTONIA.
    Is my pleasure to comment on this site and i thank the admin of this site for his/her great work so far.one of the happiest moment in my life was when the doctor confirm that my wife is been free from this illness. this awesome moments makes me the happiest man on earth, I really don't know how to thank DR WILLIAMS for helping my wife get cured for over how many year of suffering from dystonia. i came across DR Williams contact through a headline news on internet about how DR Williams help a woman to get cured of her dystonia and so many other with similar body problem ,i contacted him and he told me how to get his herb,few day later he sent me the herbal portion which my wife take every morning for 28 days, and his medicine was able to cure her completely from dystonia. and now she very mush okay without any side effects whatsoever, If you have dystonia, you can contact him on his email address drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product.

    ReplyDelete