Not only that, but I have been extremely stressed out, and writing is a perfect cure for stress.
The first thing I would like to mention is I have to laugh reading all my blogs about dating. I am marrying the most wonderful, patient, and kind-hearted man I have ever met; he is more than I could have asked for and has willingly dove headfirst without hesitation into my scary and unpredictable life in living with this disorder. I have learned so much about myself and how living with this affects my mood, behavior, and how I treat people. Moving in with someone who is just getting acquainted with Dystonia is not an easy thing-there is a lot to explain and living in such close quarters with someone when I am in the middle of a dystonic storm can be quite the challenge. I'll admit it, there are days where the pain and agony is so severe and frustrating that it unfortunately comes out on my fiance, Jeremy. I would expect any guy to either lash right back at me, get mad, confront me, kick me in the face for being a butthead, etc etc.
Never did I expect such patience and love. God knew exactly what I needed and was faithful to bless me with such a guy, and boy did God do a good job because this is a good one!
I have learned that I need to find a way to channel my frustration when I am in pain. I'm not quite sure how to do that. I just tell Jeremy I'm having one of those "Dystonia days" and I don't feel like talking at all. The last thing I feel like doing is talking. I try to focus on other things besides the pain. It's hard. When I lived at home I didn't have to explain much; my family was there from the beginning when this first hit and saw the transformation and learned that I have days I need to be left alone. I have never had to explain it before but I'm grateful I have a guy who understands and is more patient with me than I deserve. Can't wait to say I Do and marry him next September. I don't deserve someone as kind-hearted as him but that's the beauty of God. Just another blessing He has poured out into my life. What happens to me happens to Jeremy, and what happens to Jeremy happens to me. For any girls out there, young, old, somewhere in between, I know dating with Dystonia can be rough. It's confusing and frustrating. But there ARE good men out there, I promise! Wait for the one that will embrace every faucet of your life, good and bad, without hesitation. It's worth the wait, pain, and bumps along the road you may face.
I'm not discouraging anyone with Dystonia from going to school; it's just one of the things I haven't quite figured out how to handle yet. My heart is simply just not in it. So for now, it's work. I know that won't last forever though. Eventually I am going to have to figure out what it is I want to do.
Having kids is next on the list of complications. Jeremy and I very much want our own children, but I don't know how someone with Dystonia can do that. It terrifies me to think it might not happen. Not something a 21 wife to-be should be stressing about. Praying it's all in the plan! If anyone out there has experience, knowledge, advice, anything about living with Dystonia and pregnancy, please please please reach out to me!
I guess the whole point of this particular blog is to let my regular readers know I'm still here! I'm still here, I'm still fighting, suffering, crying, enjoying the days that are pain-free, dealing with the ones that aren't, and trying to support anyone in pain in any way I can. There are a few people in particular I can think of that I know rely on this as a source of comfort and commonality, and I'm so sorry I've been MIA! I'm not going anywhere!! I'm here for support, comfort, venting sessions, dating advice, or even if you just need a friend. I'm not going anywhere! I'm going to keep myself in check and be more diligent about writing regularly.
On an exciting note, to those who get the Dystonia Dialogue, look for my face :) They published an article I wrote about living with Dystonia and being so young. If I accomplish nothing else but reach out or touch at least 1 person, I will be satisfied. Love all my fellow Dystonia friends out there, as well as the real life family and friends who have pushed me to get back out there and continue writing. I appreciate all of you :)
I'll be back, I promise.